Do What You Have To Do

To fully understand the logic and context of this blog you may need to read the previous one as it's kind of a rolling story...

Again the names have been changed to stop me being sued!

So at the end of my last post I finished saying how happy I was that my family now knew that I was gay and I was excited about my future with Him. The happiness was short lived.

The weeks following my 'coming out' were ones of transition for myself and my family. We were all adjusting to my new way of life, people were dealing with the news in their own ways. My mom just kept hugging me and asking me if I was OK as if I was going to kill myself, my sister was just as she always was and my dad, well my dad needed a little longer to get used to the idea. He wasn't bothered by my sexuality but he didn't like it discussed either.

Now my parents knew I wasn't bothered who knew about me, but He wasn't comfortable with who he was and I was banned from telling anyone else about us. I had to respect this though, he wasn't in the same place as me and I couldn't expect him to be just because I was! As the weeks and months went on I fell more and more in love with him. I was besotted with him and would do anything to keep him happy.

One Thursday night we were sat in my bedroom watching some rubbish on TV. Jo had asked us to go out the following day to a nightclub (called Dream for anyone that remembers it) and we were both up for it. It would be the first time we had been out since I came out so I was slightly apprehensive. What I wasn't expecting was for Him to ask me if it would be OK if he 'got off' (kissed for older/younger readers) other girls because that's what he always did and he had a 'reputation to maintain'. At first I thought he was joking and I think I laughed, then the look on his face made me realise he was in fact serious. I asked why he wanted to do this still now that we were together. 'But we are not together are we? We are just hanging out and having fun'. Then he turned around and carried on watching the TV like nothing had ever happened.

I don't know why I agreed to it, I just wanted to make him happy so I told him he could do what he needed to do. I convinced myself that when it came to it he wouldn't go through with it because he wouldn't want to hurt me, and that in the future he would realise that I loved him and he wouldn't care who knew about us.

So that Friday night we went out, agreeing to meet Jo there. We stood at the bar and I was just being served to two Reefs when He told me Jo was here and he walked over to where she stood with her friends. As the girl behind the bar handed me my change I looked across to where they were stood. He looked at me, winked and kissed Jo, not just a little peck on the cheek, a full blown tongues and all snog.

I felt sick to my stomach. I didn't know what to do so I just left. I ran out of the club into the cold dark night, the rain pelted me in the face disorientating me, leaving me unable to see properly. I ran into the road, a car screeched to a halt inches from me, papping it's horn, abuse shouted from the window, but I didn't care, I just needed to get away from that club, from that person, from that image.

I walked all the way home, which was about three miles, and I was drenched by the time I got in the house. I sat in the living room for hours looking at my phone, thinking he would text me soon to see where I am, to see if I'm OK. I never got that text.

The next day he called me and acted like nothing had happened, the whole night wasn't even mentioned and I stupidly went along with it. I don't know what this hold was that he had over me but I would have done anything for him.

For months and months he refused to acknowledge that we were a couple, even though in every sense we were. When he said we were just having fun, that it wasn't anything serious it really hurt my feelings, I was giving him everything I had and I needed something back, anything, I just wanted to be loved.

He also used any excuse he could to put me down. He would buy sweets, and I don't just mean one bag, I mean five pounds worth of rubbish. He would then refuse to eat any of them, knowing that I would because I have such a sweet tooth. After he would call me fat, ugly, disgusting. At first I laughed it off, after months of it I began to believe it to the point where I became incredibly body conscious, something I still struggle with today

When he came and asked me if I wanted to go to Canada with him for a fortnight I jumped at the chance, two whole weeks together with no distractions, time for us to be together. This would make us I knew and I couldn't have been more excited about going. He had family there and we were to stay with them for two weeks but we would spend a few days traveling around to different places.

When we first got there the first few days were really great, we got on, his family were really lovely and Canada was amazing. Then one day his family took us to a pub to meet the locals, the girl behind the bar clearly fancied Him and he loved the flirting with her, I tried to act like I wasn't bothered but of course I was and I don't doubt that I did a bad job of pretending I was OK. The next day he told me he was thinking of asking the barmaid out for dinner. When I asked why he just said 'why do you think?'. I was mortified, it felt like the bottom had fallen out of my world. I didn't know what to do, I was alone in a foreign country with no one to talk to and no where to go so I just walked out of their apartment just me and my Walkman. I disappeared for hours, just walking around listening to some music, thinking and wishing I was home.

I found a HMV in the local mall and had a mooch around the CD's for a while. It was here I found Surfacing by Sarah Mclachlan, I had heard of her before so I decided to buy the album, it was number one there at the time and that was when I first truly fell in love with an album. It may sound stupid but when I had that album on I no longer felt alone, it was as if she was singing to me and knew what I was feeling and what I was going through.

When I got back to the apartment I could tell no one was happy with me, but I didn't really care, I needed that time alone and it had done me good. I only had four days to last and although it was the longest four days of my life it was eventually home time.

On a Sunday He used to go swimming with a group of friends that he trained with, he was hoping to get back into it and I was supportive of this. I used to see him after training at around eight. One week it got to around half eight and he hadn't called me to say he was home and to come round so I called him and his phone just rang out. I tried again a few minutes later and his phone was switched off, I just got the answering machine. So I called his house phone and his dad answered, when I asked where He was his dad had great pleasure in telling me he was on a date with a girl called Laura. I had no idea what to say to him so I just put the phone down. His mobile was still switched off and the more I called it the more wound up I became. I didn't like being like this, what he had made me like, I wasn't this neurotic, I was laid back, things like this never used to bother me. He had made me crazy.

I got in my car and drove. He had spoken about this girl before, I knew she lived in Burntwood and I knew they trained in Burntwood so thats where I headed. I didn't have a plan, I had no idea what I would do when I got to Burntwood I just knew I couldn't sit in the house all night going crazy. When I got to Burntwood I didn't know what to do so I drove around every pub and pulled onto the car parks to see if I could see his car. What would I have done if I had seen his car? I have no idea. Probably nothing so really the whole exercise was silly and pointless but I felt better knowing I was doing something.

In the end I couldn't see his car anywhere, I was running low on fuel so I decided to just go home. As I got into bed my phone rang and it was Him. I screamed at him, my anger from the last three hours was released in one long rant. He admitted he had been with Laura, I asked him if anything had gone on and he wouldn't answer me instead he started to cry, to tell me he was confused, he didn't know what he wanted anymore, he didn't know if he was gay, straight or indifferent. I asked him once more if anything had happened with her and he said yes before putting the phone down on me. Needless to say I didn't sleep.

The next day I went round early to try and sort it out but he looked a mess and he wouldn't really speak to me. It was around this time that I realised I was starting to have enough. I knew he was going through some stuff and he had a lot to work through but the emotional bullying and constant put downs were not necessary. If he was confused he needed to end things with me and work through them not lead me on, telling me he loved me one day and hated me the next, I didn't know where I was from one day to the next and whatever he was going through, this wasn't fair on me.

I think a few more months past before I finally snapped and gave in. We were sat around his house and he was being his usual charming self so I just got up and walked out and never went back. It was the best thing I could have done, the relationship was destroying me and he needed space and time to decide what he wanted. I didn't know what he would choose, all I knew was that it wouldn't be me and that was my decision!

I thought I loved him, but now I realise that I was just in love with the idea of being in love. I cared about him but that was it, I couldn't give him what he wanted and neither could he me.

Although I learned a lot from my fifteen months with Him, it messed with me and fucked me up in a lot of ways and to this day I think this ultimately ruined my next relationship through my own insecurities and stupidity, but again, that's another story...

'What ravages of spirit

Conjured this temptuous rage

Created you a monster

Broken by the rules of love

And fate has led you through it

You do what you have to do'