I've not been in a great place lately. I'm constantly fed up and have no interest in anything. I'm not sleeping at night yet falling asleep in the day and I don't see the point in getting up in the morning most days. I have had low moments in the past but they only tended to last a few days, everyone has days like this and we deal with it and move on. It passes.
I've been feeling low for a few weeks now and I don't really know why. Usually if something stressful is happening I can take it to one side, deal with it and get on with things, it's the way I have always dealt with things. When it all comes at once it takes a little longer.
I think I may be a little depressed. Maybe that sounds dramatic and perhaps it is, I have seen people depressed but then it all has to start somewhere.
I feel like I have no purpose at the minute. Uni is getting me down as I just want to be qualified now and get working at what I WANT to be doing in life. Working in the pub gets me down. Yes I love the people we have in and the team are great but I don't want to be working all the hours god sends just to make ends meet just to be spoken to like I'm thick by some narrow minded customer. I'm tired of being taught in a classroom, I want to be back on placement making a difference and helping people, learning it on the front line. It's all well and good being told what the text books say but it's hardly real life.
I'm hoping that going on placement in November re motivates me because I need this year to go quickly.
I'm also scared in case I don't get a job at the end of all this. Three years I will have studied and I have worked hard. I have sacrificed a great deal, given up time and money to re train and if I can't get a job doing this then I will be heartbroken.
It sounds silly to say I feel lonely, I have loads of people around me all the time but I don't feel that I can be honest and open with them. People think I'm being a recluse, keeping a distance. I am, I know I am and it's because I don't want people to see me like this. People see me as strong emotionally, the person who has had heartbreak and come through it fighting. I don't want them to see me weak and in the mess I'm in so it's easier just to stay away.
I'm not after sympathy and I'm not looking for attention, just for someone to ask me how I am once in a while and really mean it rather than it forming part of a well rehearsed and over used greeting.
I read something the other day;
'depression is not a sign of weakness,
just that you have been strong for too long'
Maybe thats true. We can all only carry our burdens for so long before something has to give.
5 comments:
Simon, I get like that most times.. Life is a journey, we experience things and go so many challenges... They are there to test us and make us stronger in most cases.. think of the times u've struggled to achieve something and finally got the fruitful end result.. Think of the challenges, the words of encouragement, the people who told u, 'u will never achieve ' that should keep u strong. Few more months and uni would be all over.. U'd make a fantastic nurse.. And would find a job and ur mind would be at ease..! XxX
I have been in this exact place you are talking about, I too close the shades, lock the doors, turn off the cell and wait for the misery to pass. I'm almost always bubbly and happy, except when I'm not and that energy I tend to keep to myself.
It seems like you are resisting the current situation you are in and really the best thing that you can do is take everything a day at a time and accept the day as it is. Sometimes that is easier said than done I know :)
I'm not sure how much time you have, but what helped me get out of these negative cycles is a book called THE POWER OF NOW by Eckhart Tolle... I found the audio easier to take in..... A NEW EARTH also by Tolle is amazing but I recommend you readin Power of Now first.
It's a little deep and trippy but continues to help me.
Sending you a very warm embrace from the other side of the pond. With your beautiful heart and ambition you will have every dream you reach for. Just be patient..... The world needs more people like you in the medical field <3
As above...
and GOOD (I emphasise that word) mental health nurses are in my experience very difficult to come by! the job itself is often not what many think it is.
We are struggling for qualifides at the mo so if push comes to shove get ya ass further up North and I'll see you at work!! :-)
Thanks all it's nice to get such lovely comments!
I dunno who the first person is tho so let me know
Also Jaq what's "good" I don't get what u mean
Xxx
I s'pose when I say good I mean nurses with the right approach, fresh ideas and updated ways of thinking...I've worked with several 'old school' types who miss padded cells and wet towels...not good and odds on at some point in your career you will meet them too!!
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