Long Gone And Moved On

It was my birthday last week and due to the fact that I am now 32 I was more than happy for it to pass in relative silence, with minimal fuss.

I had a nice enough day by all accounts but one thing that was noted was the lack of cards sent from my so called best friends.  I felt a little stupid by all acounts, I had asked Gavin to just book a nice table somewhere for just us two, that's all I wanted, but come late afternoon when I hadn't heard a thing from anyone I thought maybe he had booked it as a suprise and everyone would be there and they were all pretending to forget my birthday.
What a fool I am.

I was relieved when we arrived at the restaurant to be seated at a table for two because I wasn't feeling overly sociable, but then it dawned on me that my friends had forgotten my birthday.  I wasn't angry, far from it, I was simply hurt.  Hurt by the fact that I had become so unimportant in their lives now that they wouldn't even think to send me a text message at least.

It was only when we returned home and I made a comment on Facebook that people decided to make contact.  I didn't feel like returning calls or texts, I didn't want to listen to half baked excuses and mountains of bullshit. 
It turned out that going to bingo was more important than making any effort to get a card to me on my birthday.  Fair enough.

It's funny how people change.  How you can be so close one day and then in almost the blink of an eye you get forgotten about, replaced by someone who is a little more fun, a little more available.  I feel that me and Gavin get penalised because we work shifts and can't always do something or be somewhere.  We don't work 9-5 and so sometimes we slip off the social radar, it's something I have come to accept over the last few years but forgetting my birthday really hurt my feelings and even a week later it makes me feel sad.

I know people have busy lives, I know there are always a million and one things going on but what does it take to send a text or make a quick phone call?  Nothing, but a little effort would be my answer. 
Obviously I'm not worthy of that.

I always thought it was strange that my mom and dad didn't have many friends but as I get older I can see why.  If you don't let people in they can't hurt you.  If they are not in your life they cannot bring you pain.  This has been a long hard realisation but one that I'm fast coming round too.
I have a few close friends, maybe two who would always be there for me, who won't hurt me, who wouldn't forget my birthday and maybe that's all I need?

As for the rest?  Well they will want me long before I want them!

Todays song title was brought to you by The Script

Champagne For My Real Friends, Real Pain For My Sham Friends

For New Year I made myself a silent promise that this year I would make more time for the people in my life that matter and finally rid myself of the people that don't.  So far so good.

I have never been one to have many friends, I know a lot of people, but I reckon I can count on one hand my true close friends who have always been there for me.  People change and people grow and people move on for one reason or another.  They meet new partners and forget their friends, they make new friends and forget their old ones.  Such is life.

I know a lot of fickle people who only want to be your friend while to going is good, while it's of benefit for them.  I have one 'friend' in particular who is only happy with a group of people if she is made the centre of their world, once that changes she drops them like a hot coal and moves on to the next victim, I can't live with people like this in my life anymore, I'm too old for all that pissing about.  At (almost) 32 I have everything (almost) that I want in life, a fantastic husband, great family, a good job, a nice house, I really have no time for time wasters, users and two faced bitches who just bring people down, so goodbye.  

I now know who my real friends are, the ones that have always been their when I've needed them and these are the people I want and need in my life, the rest can go bother someone else... 

Today's song title title was brought to you by Fall Out Boy

Oh How The Years Go By

Writing this blog is therapy for me, putting things down in black and white gets it all out of my system, all the hurt, pain and misery.  Occasionally I also like to share happy thoughts, it's not all doom and gloom.  I keep a journal, have done for many years, that I write in explicitly about my deepest thoughts and feelings.  
Most of that journal does not get shared on here due to the fact I may well be sectioned, if not arrested.  


My previous relationship and the subsequent fall out after is much talked about in this blog.  I have berated my ex and picked apart every last shred of the relationship in order for me to make sense of what happened and where it all went wrong.  I managed to lay this all to rest a few years ago now and in the words of Alanis 'I've learned to be big and let go of this grudge that's grown old'.


But the question is... can we ever be friends with our ex?


The ex I am speaking about text me a few weeks ago to let me know that him and his partner are splitting up.  This is the partner he left me for.  I'd be an absolute liar if my first thought wasn't 'good, it serves you right'.  I think this is only natural but it lasted two seconds and it was replaced by a feeling of sorrow for what he must be going through.  I would never wish the way I felt when we split up on anyone, let alone someone I still think a lot of.  
We have remained in contact since we split up to be fair, it has been a rocky friendship littered with big arguments, various deletes and re adds on Facebook and one or two bad words exchanged over the almost eight years but still we are friends.  Indeed a few months ago I added his partner on Facebook proof, for me at least that I had finally forgiven BOTH of them.


I know Gavin finds it hard that I speak to my ex but he really has nothing to worry about, I stopped feeling attracted to him in that way many years ago, I don't mean that in a nasty way it's just that feelings change and people move on.  Apart from being lovers all those years ago we were also best friends and a friendship that strong can never truly go away surely?  
We only ever needed each other, never needed anyone else.  We made each other laugh and cry and we were never bored of each others company.  He was my first proper boyfriend and I was his, we experienced a lot together, we came out together and faced the big bad world together.  He was my first gay friend, something I had never had before.  Growing up I didn't know anyone else who was gay and so I had no one to talk to, no one to tell how I was feeling.  Growing up with that, for me, was really difficult and I feel that I missed out on a lot as a result.  By the time I met my ex everything happened at once, all that growing up I missed happened in two and half years, and that's why it could never last, it was too much too soon.


So eight years on.  I am married to a man I love with all my heart and we have a relationship based on trust, mutual respect and a very deep friendship that could never be replicated.  We have a good life and I would not change any of this for anyone.

Me and Mike share a long and important history and that cannot just be erased and I wouldn't want it to be.  We have both come a long way, taken very different paths and turned out all the better for it.  I can't see us all ever double dating but I know he would be there for me if I needed him and I would be there for him also.  And for that I'm truly grateful.


Today's song title title is brought to you by Amy Grant;

One Moment In Time

Whitney Houston passed away on 11th February this year.  I wanted to wait a while to collect my thoughts and digest what happened before I decided to write about it.

I first realised how good Whitney was when I heard 'The Greatest Love Of All', being a fan of George Benson it almost pains me to say it but her version is just so much better and it was one of the first songs that made me listen to the lyrics and appreciate song writing as an art.  Songs such as this, One Moment In Time and Where Do Broken Hearts Go will always hold a special place in my heart, her music has helped me through some very dark times but it also forms part of the soundtrack to some fantastic times as well, for that I will always be grateful.


The first Whitney album I actually brought was My Love Is Your Love, the highly anticipated and highly successful come back album following her three soundtrack releases and to this day it remains one of my favorite albums, never aging and still sounding good some twelve years after it's original release.  I was lucky enough to see her live in 1998 as part of her world tour and she was outstanding, probably the best singer I have ever seen live (I've seen many), quite simply flawless in every way.


Her problems are well documented and she has been pulled apart by the media for her mistakes, and that's all they were.  Mistakes.  We all make them.  We all step off the line once in a while and need some help.  We are all only human after all.  But the press couldn't leave her alone, the same people that built her up were more than happy to step in a tear her apart in front of the world.  It's ironic that it took her death for them to suddenly begin to start saying how good she was again, a part of humanity that makes me sick!


When she announced her come back in 2010 I wanted it to be good, I wanted the old Whitney back.  The Look To You album, although a great success was not (quite) right but... it's OK!!!
When she released tour dates I knew it was too soon for her, way to soon, and I was dubious but I wanted to go.  
To say I was disappointed is an understatement, she was a mess, a tragic mess, and we left early because I couldn't take anymore.  I was gutted for her.  The bashing she got after was in all fairness well deserved, she wasn't ready and she shouldn't have done it.  


When I found out she had died I was absolutely gutted and couldn't stop crying.  I felt silly really because it's not like I knew her but I really couldn't help myself, it was such a tragic loss and a waste of one of the greatest talents in the music industry.


We will never have another Whitney, her voice was one in a million and no one will ever be able to song those songs as beautifully as she did.  At her funeral Clive Davis said she was in good spirits, talking about another come back, saying this time she was truly ready, she had been exercising, cutting some tracks, her voice was getting better.  Of course this could all be BS but I hope not because I want to remember Whitney for the good times, for the music, for the voice, not the drugs and the ex husband and the terrible concerts.


Whitney may be gone, but her music will live on forever and if your ever going to have a lasting legacy this is one to be proud of.


Good night Whitney, I hope you find the peace you truly deserve...

Albums Of The Year 2011

Well I'm a bit late with this, but better late then never!  Musically I think it's been a bit of a boring year in music, although some good albums have been released very little has grabbed me by the throat, and indeed much of what has been released has been by established artists, very little new talent has made me stand up and take notice like Ellie Goulding, Hurts and Frank Musik before, but here we are, my top 20 albums of 2011;

1. Darren Hayes Secret Codes And  Battleships
Darren Hayes doesn't just release an album, he creates an event.  The build up for it was phenomenal with months of YouTube videos, teasers and single releases before the final product was finally unleashed.  He is, to me, one the most under rated male artists in the world and he deserves much more success then he gets.  This collection of pop songs sees him return to a more commercial sound reminiscent of the Savage Garden days but there is still a hint of the electronica he so loves.  This is what I love about him, the lyrics and melodies are complex yet easy to listen to, his songs are so multi-layered that you can listen to them over again and find something new and refreshing.  
This album didn't sell well in the UK and I think that's a shame because Darren Hayes is one the most refreshing and exciting artists around today.


2. Olly Murs In Case You Didn't Know
Proof that sometimes the X Factor can find some talent.  Runner up Olly returned with this second album of infectious and quite brilliant pop songs that surpassed his debut and then some.  Olly is a nice guy and this comes across in his music, but he can also do heartbreak as well and this makes for a richly rewarding and fun second album.


3. Jennifer Lopez Love?
The best album released over the summer made even better by the selection of bonus tracks floating around.  Here JLo made a triumphant return to music and it's her best album since 'JLo' with infectious beats and haunting ballads.  This also includes our first dance song from our wedding and so will always hold a special place in my heart.


4. Lady GaGa Born This Way
Anyone who reads my Facebook will know that Lady GaGa often pisses me off but strip back the BS and bravado and you can see she can make a damn good pop album.  This LP was always going to sell a lot of copies and deep down I wanted to hate it, but I couldn't.  With songs like Hair, Scheibe, and Edge Of Glory this is a hard album not to like!


5. Frank Musik Do It In The AM
The second album from Vince saw him take on a much more commercial route and for all intents and purposes it didn't work, commercially anyway.  I guess the record company wanted some payback and pushed him in this direction but it's still a good album filled with many great pop songs.  What I love about Vince is his apparent hate of the record industry and by giving away a further 12 tracks free was a massive up yours to Island Records.
Vince has now split up with himself and Frank Musik is no more, which is a shame because he is a very talented young man who can produce excellent pop music.


6. Dionne Bromfield Good For The Soul
Another album that was commercially a flop but to me is a fantastic slice of British R'n'B.  Amy Winehouse's god daughter clearly gained a lot from her god mother and produced a very grown up and classy album that stands up against any album in it's genre.


7. Far East Movement Free Wired
Another album that didn't sell well but it's possibly the most fun album of 2011 and there's not one dud track to be found.  A great party album and much better then anything the Black Eyed Peas have done recently.


8. Rebecca Ferguson Heaven
Another X Factor runner up runs circles around the winner Matt Cardle with an album so beautiful it can reduce you to tears.  Classy, elegant and heartfelt, simply breathtaking.  


9. Britney Spears Femme Fatale
A good enough album but is no where near as good as Circus or Blackout, the promotional tour was nothing but a disappointment as well.  The album has it's moments but I expect better from the self proclaimed Queen Of Pop.  


10. Beyonce 4
When I first heard this I was disappointed to say the least but it really grew on me.  An album full of classy and well produced pop songs that will stand as her best all round album.


11. Clare Maguire Light After Dark
12. Kate Bush 50 Words For Snow
13. Adele 21
14. Melanie C The Sea
15. Panic! At The Disco Vices And Virtues
16. Hard Fi Killer Sounds
17. The Saturdays On Your Radar
18. Kelly Clarkson Stronger
19. Will Young Echoes
20. Matt Cardle Letters

Beautiful Horizon

My journey is almost complete.  My nurse training is all but over.  It's hard to describe how I feel right now.  
Happy. Sad. Proud. Scared.  
Mostly happy.
I spent the last three years praying for this moment to arrive, to qualify, to be a nurse.  But now as I sit here and reflect on what has been the best and worst time of my life, I can see how much I will miss everything about my training.


Four years ago I set the ball in motion to return to Uni.  I never thought I'd be able to have another crack at a career, I assumed I'd be selling houses for the rest of my life; not that there's anything wrong with that, it just wasn't for me.  When I accepted my place I still didn't think I'd ever get there.  How could I afford it?  How could I study for three years at my age?  How could I care for other people when I could barely care for myself?  But off I went and here I am.


It's been a ridiculously hard three years.  I remember during one of our first lectures we were discussing 'health' and we were asked if we felt healthy.  I said that I did, around 95%.  I don't feel healthy anymore, in fact most days I feel half dead.
I had to work through my course in a local pub to pay my way through Uni, this meant that some weeks, when I was on placement I could be working 60-70 hours a week, getting in from the pub at 1am and waking up for an early shift at 6am, working seven days a week for months on end.  I'm not saying this because I want sympathy it's just a fact, something I had to do to reach my goal.  I don't regret it and never will but I wasn't eating healthy, not getting anything like enough sleep and now I'm paying the price.  But I can turn it round, I'm starting to sleep better, I will rejoin the gym and I will get healthy again.


Being a student nurse meant that I had to be able to adapt quickly to change.  I could go from one seven week placement to another with nothing much of a gap in between.  I'd be working with new teams of people all the time, having to prove myself and getting to know folk.  It's like I have had nine different jobs in three years... and I have loved every minute.
I have met and worked with some of the nicest and caring people many of who I'm glad to be able to call friends and I will miss them all very much.  I have had some wonderful mentors, each one has been kind and taught me so much about this wonderful profession and I can't thank them all enough.


I have made some lifelong friends during my time at uni, and met a few I hope to never see again, but that's life and it's nice to see how we have all grown over the duration of the course into young professionals looking for our first jobs.


My mom, dad and husband have been wonderful, not only helping me financially but, more importantly, emotionally.  I wouldn't be writing this if it wasn't for their time, love and patience.


Sitting here it still feels weird, thinking I have two days left of my last placement.  One week left of Uni and it's all but over.  And off I go into the big bad world, ready to earn a decent living again and hopefully be the kind of nurse I hope I can be.  I don't know where this new path will lead me and what I will face along the way, all I know is starting my training was the best thing I could have ever done.  It's had it's up's and down's, I've laughed, I've cried, I've been stressed out, freaked out, called a bastard, called wonderful, been shit on, spat on, punched, kicked, kissed and hugged and the truth is, I wouldn't change a single thing.

Student nurse Bray-Cotton has left the building...

Marry You

. 

Well we did it, we got married on Friday June 17th 2011 at Clearwell Castle in Monmouth.  It was a truly wonderful day and so nice to be surrounded by all our family and friends who had a great day as well.  It really was the greatest day of my life!





We had a few disasters, the main one being that the wedding cake, a four tier monster, collapsed in on itself the day before the wedding.  We were just about to leave for Wales when Gavin thought to have a quick check on it, his face almost broke my heart.  To cut a long story short Jenny, my new mother in law, managed to find someone who was prepared to stay up all night to make us a new one.  The end result was better than I could have hoped for.  


As I say we left for the castle on Thursday evening, we finally arrived just before eight, only three hours later than planned.  We were staying in the Keepers Cottage in the castles grounds, just us and our three best men, Tim, Darren and Carl and our usher Robbie.  We had pizza, wine, Indian Head Massages and a good chat, and we were presented with our 'something old, something new, something borrowed and something blue' I won't say what they were here, lets just say they were far from traditional!

         


The next day we awoke early, Gavin had spent the night pacing the bedroom while I had a great nights sleep, and began a production line of blowing up balloons.  At this point I can't believe how calm and collected I was, I'm sure the wine was helping.


We started getting ready for the wedding around 1pm and I enjoyed every minute.  Our photographer Helen took action shots of us, the best men and the bridesmaids and when the wedding party got together just before the ceremony I couldn't believe how amazing everyone looked.  My mom had been worrying about her outfit for six weeks but she needn't have, she looked absolutely stunning and I was so proud of her.


We had decided to walk down the aisles with our moms so the bridesmaids (my sister, Gavin's sister and our friend Lucy) went first with a best man each, followed by me and my mom and then Gavin and Jenny.
I was so nervous walking down the aisle, everyone turned to look and camera's were flashing, it was a very strange feeling.  We walked down to 'Chasing Cars', the Natasha Bedingfield version.  It is one of our favorite songs and I never grow tired of listening to it!
The ceremony went by in a blur, I can't remember and thing about it other than Darren's reading which was beautiful and funny at the same time. He had based it around Kylie Minogue songs and had the crowd in stitches by the end.  It was very heart felt and something we will never forget.


I can't believe how quickly the whole day went, from the pictures, the the wedding breakfast, through my speech and the best men speeches, before we knew, it was half seven and time for the evening to commence.
Everyone seemed to enjoy the evening with people dancing and chatting and making new friends, it was lovely to see.  The celebrations were ended (almost) by a fireworks display that we managed to keep secret (mainly because I had forgotten about it) and it wen't down really well, although one did hit Carl on the shoulder and burn his suit!


The whole day was perfect from start to finish.  It was so nice to have everyone we love and care about under one (very big) roof sharing our day with us.  The venue was out of this world, the staff were fantastic, our wedding coordinator Val was nothing short of brilliant and our photographer Helen managed to get some amazing shots!

I had never wanted to get married before, but it's because I hadn't met the right person.  I can't describe how different I feel knowing that I'm a married man because it's hard to explain but it's a warm, settled lovely feeling and I suppose a smugness that I have a husband and a whole extended family.  Being married has changed the way I look at things and I can see that this is now a new chapter in my life and it's time the close the book on my past.  I don't want to forget anything that has gone before but I feel able to put to bed old grudges and to get on with my 'new life' as a husband, an uncle and hopefully a father!





I found this quote yesterday and it sums everything up in a few simple words;

'In the end we only regret chances we didnt take, the relationships we were scared to have and the decisions we waited to long to make.  There comes a time in your life when you realise who matters, who doesnt, who never did and who always will'

My Speech;

'Anyone that knows me knows that I’m not a fan of public speaking especially if I haven’t got Polly next to me to kick me when I’m talking too fast.  We have a lot of speeches to get through so I hope you have all brought your sleeping bags as we could be here for some time.

First of all I want to thank you all for coming and sharing our special day with us.  I know it’s been very short notice and I know some of you have had to move heaven and earth to get here and I’m guessing there’s more than a few that have phoned in sick today.  We really do appreciate it, it wouldn’t have been the same without you… it would have been a lot cheaper but not the same never the less.

I first of all want to thank my new mother and father in-law not only for their help arranging the wedding but also for accepting me into their family and treating me like a son.  Thank you Jenny for giving Gavin away today, not literally of course, although I’m sure you have felt like it at times over the years. 

While I have this opportunity I want to say and extra special thank you to my mom and dad, not only for the financial and emotional support during the wedding planning but for everything you have done for me over the last 31 years.  As most of you know I made a big decision three years ago to return to university and follow my dream of becoming a nurse.  I was incredibly unhappy in my job at the time but my mom and dad pushed me into going back to university to retrain when I thought it would be impossible.  It’s been a long three years but they have been there guiding through the good and the bad times and I wouldn’t be on the cusp of graduating now I it wasn’t for them.  I love you both very much and if me and Gavin are lucky enough to have children of our own if we are half the parents you have been they will be very lucky children indeed.  You give without wanting anything in return, you love unconditionally and I could never have wished for better parents.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Thank you to our bridesmaids, Naomi, Lucy and Lyndsey, you look absolutely beautiful and have done Gavin and me proud today.  Also thank you Lynz for inadvertently including my nephew Jack to the wedding, we can’t wait to meet the little man in September, this has nothing to do with the fact that I’m fed up of your moaning at all.

Thank you Ethan for being the most adorable little page boy, I can’t wait till you’re a little bit older so I can tell you some stories about your mother..

Gavin and I are both blessed with such amazing friends that we simply couldn’t pick just one best man so we went for three.  Tim, you have been a constant support for me the last seven years, you’ve heard me cry, laugh and moan a lot and you have never once complained, Darren I knew we would be great friends when you turned up on my door step some ten years ago with a bottle of Lambrini in your hands and Carl your not just a friend anymore but you are also my family… I’m not entirely sure who I feel sorrier for.  Thank you all three for the stag weekend, what happened will never be spoken about again but it makes the Hangover look like The Sound of Music.

Thank you to the ushers, Robbie and Adam for helping everything run smoothly, but your not off duty yet, I have lists for you both.

Thank you to Margy and Andrea for being our witnesses.  I just want to say a massive thank you to Andrea for being the most loyal of friends over the last ten years, you have helped me through so much and always been there whether it’s been to wax my back or to offer advice, I love you very much.

Lastly thank you to my husband Gavin.  Thank you for organising this amazing day.  When we said we had six weeks to plan a wedding I thought it would never happen and if it wasn’t for your attention to detail, your calm nature and ability to get on with things even in the face of adversity and with me having an emotional breakdown in the corner it probably wouldn’t. 

When we first got together no one thought it would last, and it very nearly didn’t.  When I met Gavin I was in a very dark place and a less patient person would not have put up with me.  I thank whatever’s up there every single day that you did. 

I never imagined getting married, I never particularly wanted to but that was because I hadn’t met the right person until now.  I can’t imagine being here today with anyone else, you are the calm to my storm, you are my lover and you are my best friend and I am so lucky and honoured to be able to call you my husband.  You make me complete and I love you with all my heart, until it beats no more!

That’s it from me, again thank you all for coming and thank you for all cards and gifts we are truly very grateful.  Please enjoy the rest of the day and as you should know by now, we want to see you all on the dance floor later on.'