Heartbreak Make Me A Dancer...

As it's almost Valentines day, something cheerful...

When I was younger I broke a few hearts.... a girlfriends when she found out I was more into boys, a boys when I walked out of his house never to return. I liked being in control then and I guess was proud of the fact that I had never been 'dumped', so when I was the one breaking hearts I was in control, I knew it was coming! When it did happen to me I wasn't in control, I never saw it coming and it hit me like a tonne of bricks.

I met my ex one sunny June afternoon in 2001. I was at work, alone in the office busy filing some stuff away in a world of my own. REM was playing on the radio and I was singing probably a little to loudly "thats me in the corner, thats me in the spotlight..." when the door opened and without even looking I said "hang on, I'll be there in a sec".

And then I turned around...

I had never believed in love at first sight, I still don't, but something clicked in that split second our eyes met. My heart missed several beats and I was unable to form a logical sentance.

I have no idea what he wanted but it turned out I couldn't help him and off he went.

Two months later we where officially a couple, very much in love and very very happy. The relationship progressed quickly, maybe in retrospect and little too quickly but I just wanted to be with him all the time.

One saturday afternoon, after us being together for maybe four months, we stopped to have a look at some new houses being built in Wolverhampton.

We walked out owning one.

We moved in on my 22nd birthday with great plans, big ideas and an excitement I never knew existed. Life wasn't always easy, we never had much money but I was happy all I wanted was him and the rest was inconsequential... to me at least.

Eighteen months past by and I'm not sure if I was just inside some bubble but I never saw it coming, I never for a million years saw the bubble bursting.

He got a promotion at work which involved him going abroad several times a year, I'd be lying if I said I was happy about it but thats another story...

The first trip was fine. We spoke everyday, I said I loved him, he said he loved me. It was OK.

The second trip was a week after my twenty fourth birthday and this was not OK. He was disengaged, uninterested and unresponsive. After two days of this I called him and asked what was wrong, when he wouldn't say I asked "you don't want to be with me anymore do you?".

Even at this point I never expected the answer to be no.

It's hard to explain how I felt at that minute. The bottom fell out of my world. Everything came crashing down around me. I remember throwing my mobile phone at the wall and collapsing in the corner. I didn't cry. I couldn't cry. I just sat there listening to a tinny voice calling from my phone and knowing I didn't want to hear another word.

I don't remember much after that. My mom and sister came round and stayed with me all night but that's all I can recall.

When he came home I believed I could change his mind, that if he saw me, if I made a big effort and fuss he would realise he was wrong. All I did was make myself look a fool.

It turned out after a few weeks that he had met someone else.

There is a whole back story to this and the weeks that followed but that will have to wait for another time, I'm not quite THERE just yet...

So my heart was broken. Shattered even to the point where I just didn't want to be here any more. I drove to my moms the sunday after this happened. I was just driving in a daze, driving and crying and I just wanted the pain to go away so I drove faster and faster adamant I was going to drive my car into a lamp-post.

At just the right moment my six month old puppy Toby rested his head on my leg and looked up at me with his big droopy Bassett Hound eyes and seemed to say "don't do it daddy" so I pulled over and hugged him with all I had and he never once complained.

This was all six years ago now. I've moved on. I'm over it, well as much as I ever will be anyway, but it's left me pessimistic, hard faced and synical and sometimes I hate myself for that.

I have a boyfriend now who I love and respect more than anything in the world and we have built a fantastic life together.

In a way I'm glad that I went through what I did, in alot of ways it did me good because life isn't a big fairytale, it's not a bed of roses and for not one second should it ever be taken for granted.