Forgiveness

‎'loving, lying enemy, I have seen your face before.

Never thought again I'd see, didn't want to anymore....'

Forgiveness is a funny thing, to me anyway...

How can you ever truly forgive someone who hurts you so deep that it almost destroys you?

I think people can come to terms with things that people do to them but can never really forgive someone. Holding a grudge is the same, people say it's bad to hold a grudge, I have to agree because in the end it only ends up hurting you all the more.

I held a grudge for several years. My previous relationship is all to well documented on my blog so I won't go man bashing again, but for years and years I held onto this bitter taste, these feelings of hate mixed with a desire to hurt that person the way I was hurt. I would spend hours, days, weeks plotting and concocting ways to make this person feel the way I did, to give them just a little bit of the pain I was feeling. I thought then it would make me feel better, but it wouldn't have done. What happened happened and nothing could change that, nothing I could do, nothing anyone could do.

Maybe deep down I blamed myself, I knew I brought a lot of it on myself and torturing myself over the what ifs was my own personal self harm, possibly a coping strategy? I dunno but I did it, and then some.

'Fourteen years

Thirty minutes

Fifteen seconds I've

Held this grudge

Eleven songs

Four full journals

Thoughts of punishment

I've expended

Not in contact

Not a letter

Such communication

Telepathic

You've been vilified

Used as fodder

You deserve a piece

Of every record

But who's it hurting now?

Who's the one that's stuck?

Who's it torturing now

With an antique knot in her stomach?'

In the end all I was doing was hurting myself and the people around me. This grudge was stopping me moving on, stopping me becoming the better, harder more secure person I needed and wanted to be. There comes a point where you just need to let go and move on, it's better for you, for everyone.

I know now that he was suffering and hurting just as much as me, breakups effect all involved just in different ways...

'I want to be big and let go

Of this grudge that's grown old

All this time I've not known

How to rest this bygone

I wanna be soft and resolved

Clean of slate and released

I wanna forgive for the both of us'

But if the grudge is gone, if you release yourself from it's stiffing grasp does that mean you have forgiven?

'Loving lying enemy

I have seen your face before

Never thought again I’d see

Didn’t want to anymore

I remember your loving eyes

And the moonlit kiss

The evening lullabies I will truly miss

Through the years we had it all

Midnight whispers, the midday calls

This house of cards, it had to fall

And you ask for forgiveness

You’re asking too much

I have sheltered my heart in a place you can’t touch

Don’t believe when you tell me your love is real

Because you don’t know much about heaven boy

If you have to hurt to feel

Every time I see you

I can’t help but look away

All along I had believed everything you’d say

When I look now I know I’ve seen your face before

Don’t want your deceiving smile

Standing at my door

And I don’t care what people say

I’m ready now to face this day

And you ask for forgiveness

You’re asking too much

I have sheltered my heart in a place you can’t touch

Don’t believe when you tell me your love is real

Because you don’t know much about heaven boy

If you have to hurt to feel'

Who Knows...