Fight For This Love

Someone asked me yesterday if me and Gavin ever argue. The answer is no, we don't... not anymore anyway. We used to argue like cat and dog when we were first together. Most of the arguments were down to me. Not so much that I had done anything wrong but I used to pick fights for no other reason than to get a reaction.

I met Gavin very quickly following the breakdown of my previous, well documented relationship. To a lot of people it may have been rebound (six years later I could argue it wasn't) but when we met something connected, we have such a similar outlook on life and want the same things from it. He is the calm to my storm, by better half and my best friend. But in the beginning it seemed as if I was intent on ruining anything we had and I pushed him and pushed him to the point where someone less tolerant would have left me long ago.

I was still hurt and bruised from my previous relationships. Both had cheated on me. Both had left me feeling that I couldn't trust anyone or anything and that no one could ever love me. I felt ugly and fat and unattractive and to be honest I was all but destroyed. I had absolutely no confidence and I truly felt I was worthless.

I think deep down I was petrified that Gavin would also leave me or cheat on me to the point where I needed to know where he was all the time, what he was doing, who he was with. If he was ten minutes late in from work I'd make myself sick with worry then when he did get in, after a long a stressful day I would scream and berate him to the point where he wouldn't want to talk to me, and looking back I don't blame him.

Psychologically I was pushing him away, looking for arguments and in some cases making them up so that if he left me I'd have a reason as to why, so I could blame it on something, when Mike dumped me I never saw it coming and there was never any real reason. If I made Gavin leave me I'd have control over it and know the fundamental reason why it had happened.

I was such a hate filled and angry person everything made me upset and I was so volatile I could go off like a bottle of pop! Some may say I haven't changed, I think I have, I still have issues, no one is perfect and I'm really not but I am calmer.

It took me years to fully trust Gavin and the realisation finally came when I really thought he was gonna leave me and I knew it's not what I wanted. It took a lot of hard work to get to where I am but I did it, I fought my demons and got to where we are now.

I don't pick fights with Gavin anymore and I thank whatever is out there everyday that he didn't give up on me and has put up with me, warts and all, for nearly seven years. He's a true saint.