Long Gone And Moved On

It was my birthday last week and due to the fact that I am now 32 I was more than happy for it to pass in relative silence, with minimal fuss.

I had a nice enough day by all accounts but one thing that was noted was the lack of cards sent from my so called best friends.  I felt a little stupid by all acounts, I had asked Gavin to just book a nice table somewhere for just us two, that's all I wanted, but come late afternoon when I hadn't heard a thing from anyone I thought maybe he had booked it as a suprise and everyone would be there and they were all pretending to forget my birthday.
What a fool I am.

I was relieved when we arrived at the restaurant to be seated at a table for two because I wasn't feeling overly sociable, but then it dawned on me that my friends had forgotten my birthday.  I wasn't angry, far from it, I was simply hurt.  Hurt by the fact that I had become so unimportant in their lives now that they wouldn't even think to send me a text message at least.

It was only when we returned home and I made a comment on Facebook that people decided to make contact.  I didn't feel like returning calls or texts, I didn't want to listen to half baked excuses and mountains of bullshit. 
It turned out that going to bingo was more important than making any effort to get a card to me on my birthday.  Fair enough.

It's funny how people change.  How you can be so close one day and then in almost the blink of an eye you get forgotten about, replaced by someone who is a little more fun, a little more available.  I feel that me and Gavin get penalised because we work shifts and can't always do something or be somewhere.  We don't work 9-5 and so sometimes we slip off the social radar, it's something I have come to accept over the last few years but forgetting my birthday really hurt my feelings and even a week later it makes me feel sad.

I know people have busy lives, I know there are always a million and one things going on but what does it take to send a text or make a quick phone call?  Nothing, but a little effort would be my answer. 
Obviously I'm not worthy of that.

I always thought it was strange that my mom and dad didn't have many friends but as I get older I can see why.  If you don't let people in they can't hurt you.  If they are not in your life they cannot bring you pain.  This has been a long hard realisation but one that I'm fast coming round too.
I have a few close friends, maybe two who would always be there for me, who won't hurt me, who wouldn't forget my birthday and maybe that's all I need?

As for the rest?  Well they will want me long before I want them!

Todays song title was brought to you by The Script

Champagne For My Real Friends, Real Pain For My Sham Friends

For New Year I made myself a silent promise that this year I would make more time for the people in my life that matter and finally rid myself of the people that don't.  So far so good.

I have never been one to have many friends, I know a lot of people, but I reckon I can count on one hand my true close friends who have always been there for me.  People change and people grow and people move on for one reason or another.  They meet new partners and forget their friends, they make new friends and forget their old ones.  Such is life.

I know a lot of fickle people who only want to be your friend while to going is good, while it's of benefit for them.  I have one 'friend' in particular who is only happy with a group of people if she is made the centre of their world, once that changes she drops them like a hot coal and moves on to the next victim, I can't live with people like this in my life anymore, I'm too old for all that pissing about.  At (almost) 32 I have everything (almost) that I want in life, a fantastic husband, great family, a good job, a nice house, I really have no time for time wasters, users and two faced bitches who just bring people down, so goodbye.  

I now know who my real friends are, the ones that have always been their when I've needed them and these are the people I want and need in my life, the rest can go bother someone else... 

Today's song title title was brought to you by Fall Out Boy

Oh How The Years Go By

Writing this blog is therapy for me, putting things down in black and white gets it all out of my system, all the hurt, pain and misery.  Occasionally I also like to share happy thoughts, it's not all doom and gloom.  I keep a journal, have done for many years, that I write in explicitly about my deepest thoughts and feelings.  
Most of that journal does not get shared on here due to the fact I may well be sectioned, if not arrested.  


My previous relationship and the subsequent fall out after is much talked about in this blog.  I have berated my ex and picked apart every last shred of the relationship in order for me to make sense of what happened and where it all went wrong.  I managed to lay this all to rest a few years ago now and in the words of Alanis 'I've learned to be big and let go of this grudge that's grown old'.


But the question is... can we ever be friends with our ex?


The ex I am speaking about text me a few weeks ago to let me know that him and his partner are splitting up.  This is the partner he left me for.  I'd be an absolute liar if my first thought wasn't 'good, it serves you right'.  I think this is only natural but it lasted two seconds and it was replaced by a feeling of sorrow for what he must be going through.  I would never wish the way I felt when we split up on anyone, let alone someone I still think a lot of.  
We have remained in contact since we split up to be fair, it has been a rocky friendship littered with big arguments, various deletes and re adds on Facebook and one or two bad words exchanged over the almost eight years but still we are friends.  Indeed a few months ago I added his partner on Facebook proof, for me at least that I had finally forgiven BOTH of them.


I know Gavin finds it hard that I speak to my ex but he really has nothing to worry about, I stopped feeling attracted to him in that way many years ago, I don't mean that in a nasty way it's just that feelings change and people move on.  Apart from being lovers all those years ago we were also best friends and a friendship that strong can never truly go away surely?  
We only ever needed each other, never needed anyone else.  We made each other laugh and cry and we were never bored of each others company.  He was my first proper boyfriend and I was his, we experienced a lot together, we came out together and faced the big bad world together.  He was my first gay friend, something I had never had before.  Growing up I didn't know anyone else who was gay and so I had no one to talk to, no one to tell how I was feeling.  Growing up with that, for me, was really difficult and I feel that I missed out on a lot as a result.  By the time I met my ex everything happened at once, all that growing up I missed happened in two and half years, and that's why it could never last, it was too much too soon.


So eight years on.  I am married to a man I love with all my heart and we have a relationship based on trust, mutual respect and a very deep friendship that could never be replicated.  We have a good life and I would not change any of this for anyone.

Me and Mike share a long and important history and that cannot just be erased and I wouldn't want it to be.  We have both come a long way, taken very different paths and turned out all the better for it.  I can't see us all ever double dating but I know he would be there for me if I needed him and I would be there for him also.  And for that I'm truly grateful.


Today's song title title is brought to you by Amy Grant;

One Moment In Time

Whitney Houston passed away on 11th February this year.  I wanted to wait a while to collect my thoughts and digest what happened before I decided to write about it.

I first realised how good Whitney was when I heard 'The Greatest Love Of All', being a fan of George Benson it almost pains me to say it but her version is just so much better and it was one of the first songs that made me listen to the lyrics and appreciate song writing as an art.  Songs such as this, One Moment In Time and Where Do Broken Hearts Go will always hold a special place in my heart, her music has helped me through some very dark times but it also forms part of the soundtrack to some fantastic times as well, for that I will always be grateful.


The first Whitney album I actually brought was My Love Is Your Love, the highly anticipated and highly successful come back album following her three soundtrack releases and to this day it remains one of my favorite albums, never aging and still sounding good some twelve years after it's original release.  I was lucky enough to see her live in 1998 as part of her world tour and she was outstanding, probably the best singer I have ever seen live (I've seen many), quite simply flawless in every way.


Her problems are well documented and she has been pulled apart by the media for her mistakes, and that's all they were.  Mistakes.  We all make them.  We all step off the line once in a while and need some help.  We are all only human after all.  But the press couldn't leave her alone, the same people that built her up were more than happy to step in a tear her apart in front of the world.  It's ironic that it took her death for them to suddenly begin to start saying how good she was again, a part of humanity that makes me sick!


When she announced her come back in 2010 I wanted it to be good, I wanted the old Whitney back.  The Look To You album, although a great success was not (quite) right but... it's OK!!!
When she released tour dates I knew it was too soon for her, way to soon, and I was dubious but I wanted to go.  
To say I was disappointed is an understatement, she was a mess, a tragic mess, and we left early because I couldn't take anymore.  I was gutted for her.  The bashing she got after was in all fairness well deserved, she wasn't ready and she shouldn't have done it.  


When I found out she had died I was absolutely gutted and couldn't stop crying.  I felt silly really because it's not like I knew her but I really couldn't help myself, it was such a tragic loss and a waste of one of the greatest talents in the music industry.


We will never have another Whitney, her voice was one in a million and no one will ever be able to song those songs as beautifully as she did.  At her funeral Clive Davis said she was in good spirits, talking about another come back, saying this time she was truly ready, she had been exercising, cutting some tracks, her voice was getting better.  Of course this could all be BS but I hope not because I want to remember Whitney for the good times, for the music, for the voice, not the drugs and the ex husband and the terrible concerts.


Whitney may be gone, but her music will live on forever and if your ever going to have a lasting legacy this is one to be proud of.


Good night Whitney, I hope you find the peace you truly deserve...

Albums Of The Year 2011

Well I'm a bit late with this, but better late then never!  Musically I think it's been a bit of a boring year in music, although some good albums have been released very little has grabbed me by the throat, and indeed much of what has been released has been by established artists, very little new talent has made me stand up and take notice like Ellie Goulding, Hurts and Frank Musik before, but here we are, my top 20 albums of 2011;

1. Darren Hayes Secret Codes And  Battleships
Darren Hayes doesn't just release an album, he creates an event.  The build up for it was phenomenal with months of YouTube videos, teasers and single releases before the final product was finally unleashed.  He is, to me, one the most under rated male artists in the world and he deserves much more success then he gets.  This collection of pop songs sees him return to a more commercial sound reminiscent of the Savage Garden days but there is still a hint of the electronica he so loves.  This is what I love about him, the lyrics and melodies are complex yet easy to listen to, his songs are so multi-layered that you can listen to them over again and find something new and refreshing.  
This album didn't sell well in the UK and I think that's a shame because Darren Hayes is one the most refreshing and exciting artists around today.


2. Olly Murs In Case You Didn't Know
Proof that sometimes the X Factor can find some talent.  Runner up Olly returned with this second album of infectious and quite brilliant pop songs that surpassed his debut and then some.  Olly is a nice guy and this comes across in his music, but he can also do heartbreak as well and this makes for a richly rewarding and fun second album.


3. Jennifer Lopez Love?
The best album released over the summer made even better by the selection of bonus tracks floating around.  Here JLo made a triumphant return to music and it's her best album since 'JLo' with infectious beats and haunting ballads.  This also includes our first dance song from our wedding and so will always hold a special place in my heart.


4. Lady GaGa Born This Way
Anyone who reads my Facebook will know that Lady GaGa often pisses me off but strip back the BS and bravado and you can see she can make a damn good pop album.  This LP was always going to sell a lot of copies and deep down I wanted to hate it, but I couldn't.  With songs like Hair, Scheibe, and Edge Of Glory this is a hard album not to like!


5. Frank Musik Do It In The AM
The second album from Vince saw him take on a much more commercial route and for all intents and purposes it didn't work, commercially anyway.  I guess the record company wanted some payback and pushed him in this direction but it's still a good album filled with many great pop songs.  What I love about Vince is his apparent hate of the record industry and by giving away a further 12 tracks free was a massive up yours to Island Records.
Vince has now split up with himself and Frank Musik is no more, which is a shame because he is a very talented young man who can produce excellent pop music.


6. Dionne Bromfield Good For The Soul
Another album that was commercially a flop but to me is a fantastic slice of British R'n'B.  Amy Winehouse's god daughter clearly gained a lot from her god mother and produced a very grown up and classy album that stands up against any album in it's genre.


7. Far East Movement Free Wired
Another album that didn't sell well but it's possibly the most fun album of 2011 and there's not one dud track to be found.  A great party album and much better then anything the Black Eyed Peas have done recently.


8. Rebecca Ferguson Heaven
Another X Factor runner up runs circles around the winner Matt Cardle with an album so beautiful it can reduce you to tears.  Classy, elegant and heartfelt, simply breathtaking.  


9. Britney Spears Femme Fatale
A good enough album but is no where near as good as Circus or Blackout, the promotional tour was nothing but a disappointment as well.  The album has it's moments but I expect better from the self proclaimed Queen Of Pop.  


10. Beyonce 4
When I first heard this I was disappointed to say the least but it really grew on me.  An album full of classy and well produced pop songs that will stand as her best all round album.


11. Clare Maguire Light After Dark
12. Kate Bush 50 Words For Snow
13. Adele 21
14. Melanie C The Sea
15. Panic! At The Disco Vices And Virtues
16. Hard Fi Killer Sounds
17. The Saturdays On Your Radar
18. Kelly Clarkson Stronger
19. Will Young Echoes
20. Matt Cardle Letters

Beautiful Horizon

My journey is almost complete.  My nurse training is all but over.  It's hard to describe how I feel right now.  
Happy. Sad. Proud. Scared.  
Mostly happy.
I spent the last three years praying for this moment to arrive, to qualify, to be a nurse.  But now as I sit here and reflect on what has been the best and worst time of my life, I can see how much I will miss everything about my training.


Four years ago I set the ball in motion to return to Uni.  I never thought I'd be able to have another crack at a career, I assumed I'd be selling houses for the rest of my life; not that there's anything wrong with that, it just wasn't for me.  When I accepted my place I still didn't think I'd ever get there.  How could I afford it?  How could I study for three years at my age?  How could I care for other people when I could barely care for myself?  But off I went and here I am.


It's been a ridiculously hard three years.  I remember during one of our first lectures we were discussing 'health' and we were asked if we felt healthy.  I said that I did, around 95%.  I don't feel healthy anymore, in fact most days I feel half dead.
I had to work through my course in a local pub to pay my way through Uni, this meant that some weeks, when I was on placement I could be working 60-70 hours a week, getting in from the pub at 1am and waking up for an early shift at 6am, working seven days a week for months on end.  I'm not saying this because I want sympathy it's just a fact, something I had to do to reach my goal.  I don't regret it and never will but I wasn't eating healthy, not getting anything like enough sleep and now I'm paying the price.  But I can turn it round, I'm starting to sleep better, I will rejoin the gym and I will get healthy again.


Being a student nurse meant that I had to be able to adapt quickly to change.  I could go from one seven week placement to another with nothing much of a gap in between.  I'd be working with new teams of people all the time, having to prove myself and getting to know folk.  It's like I have had nine different jobs in three years... and I have loved every minute.
I have met and worked with some of the nicest and caring people many of who I'm glad to be able to call friends and I will miss them all very much.  I have had some wonderful mentors, each one has been kind and taught me so much about this wonderful profession and I can't thank them all enough.


I have made some lifelong friends during my time at uni, and met a few I hope to never see again, but that's life and it's nice to see how we have all grown over the duration of the course into young professionals looking for our first jobs.


My mom, dad and husband have been wonderful, not only helping me financially but, more importantly, emotionally.  I wouldn't be writing this if it wasn't for their time, love and patience.


Sitting here it still feels weird, thinking I have two days left of my last placement.  One week left of Uni and it's all but over.  And off I go into the big bad world, ready to earn a decent living again and hopefully be the kind of nurse I hope I can be.  I don't know where this new path will lead me and what I will face along the way, all I know is starting my training was the best thing I could have ever done.  It's had it's up's and down's, I've laughed, I've cried, I've been stressed out, freaked out, called a bastard, called wonderful, been shit on, spat on, punched, kicked, kissed and hugged and the truth is, I wouldn't change a single thing.

Student nurse Bray-Cotton has left the building...

Marry You

. 

Well we did it, we got married on Friday June 17th 2011 at Clearwell Castle in Monmouth.  It was a truly wonderful day and so nice to be surrounded by all our family and friends who had a great day as well.  It really was the greatest day of my life!





We had a few disasters, the main one being that the wedding cake, a four tier monster, collapsed in on itself the day before the wedding.  We were just about to leave for Wales when Gavin thought to have a quick check on it, his face almost broke my heart.  To cut a long story short Jenny, my new mother in law, managed to find someone who was prepared to stay up all night to make us a new one.  The end result was better than I could have hoped for.  


As I say we left for the castle on Thursday evening, we finally arrived just before eight, only three hours later than planned.  We were staying in the Keepers Cottage in the castles grounds, just us and our three best men, Tim, Darren and Carl and our usher Robbie.  We had pizza, wine, Indian Head Massages and a good chat, and we were presented with our 'something old, something new, something borrowed and something blue' I won't say what they were here, lets just say they were far from traditional!

         


The next day we awoke early, Gavin had spent the night pacing the bedroom while I had a great nights sleep, and began a production line of blowing up balloons.  At this point I can't believe how calm and collected I was, I'm sure the wine was helping.


We started getting ready for the wedding around 1pm and I enjoyed every minute.  Our photographer Helen took action shots of us, the best men and the bridesmaids and when the wedding party got together just before the ceremony I couldn't believe how amazing everyone looked.  My mom had been worrying about her outfit for six weeks but she needn't have, she looked absolutely stunning and I was so proud of her.


We had decided to walk down the aisles with our moms so the bridesmaids (my sister, Gavin's sister and our friend Lucy) went first with a best man each, followed by me and my mom and then Gavin and Jenny.
I was so nervous walking down the aisle, everyone turned to look and camera's were flashing, it was a very strange feeling.  We walked down to 'Chasing Cars', the Natasha Bedingfield version.  It is one of our favorite songs and I never grow tired of listening to it!
The ceremony went by in a blur, I can't remember and thing about it other than Darren's reading which was beautiful and funny at the same time. He had based it around Kylie Minogue songs and had the crowd in stitches by the end.  It was very heart felt and something we will never forget.


I can't believe how quickly the whole day went, from the pictures, the the wedding breakfast, through my speech and the best men speeches, before we knew, it was half seven and time for the evening to commence.
Everyone seemed to enjoy the evening with people dancing and chatting and making new friends, it was lovely to see.  The celebrations were ended (almost) by a fireworks display that we managed to keep secret (mainly because I had forgotten about it) and it wen't down really well, although one did hit Carl on the shoulder and burn his suit!


The whole day was perfect from start to finish.  It was so nice to have everyone we love and care about under one (very big) roof sharing our day with us.  The venue was out of this world, the staff were fantastic, our wedding coordinator Val was nothing short of brilliant and our photographer Helen managed to get some amazing shots!

I had never wanted to get married before, but it's because I hadn't met the right person.  I can't describe how different I feel knowing that I'm a married man because it's hard to explain but it's a warm, settled lovely feeling and I suppose a smugness that I have a husband and a whole extended family.  Being married has changed the way I look at things and I can see that this is now a new chapter in my life and it's time the close the book on my past.  I don't want to forget anything that has gone before but I feel able to put to bed old grudges and to get on with my 'new life' as a husband, an uncle and hopefully a father!





I found this quote yesterday and it sums everything up in a few simple words;

'In the end we only regret chances we didnt take, the relationships we were scared to have and the decisions we waited to long to make.  There comes a time in your life when you realise who matters, who doesnt, who never did and who always will'

My Speech;

'Anyone that knows me knows that I’m not a fan of public speaking especially if I haven’t got Polly next to me to kick me when I’m talking too fast.  We have a lot of speeches to get through so I hope you have all brought your sleeping bags as we could be here for some time.

First of all I want to thank you all for coming and sharing our special day with us.  I know it’s been very short notice and I know some of you have had to move heaven and earth to get here and I’m guessing there’s more than a few that have phoned in sick today.  We really do appreciate it, it wouldn’t have been the same without you… it would have been a lot cheaper but not the same never the less.

I first of all want to thank my new mother and father in-law not only for their help arranging the wedding but also for accepting me into their family and treating me like a son.  Thank you Jenny for giving Gavin away today, not literally of course, although I’m sure you have felt like it at times over the years. 

While I have this opportunity I want to say and extra special thank you to my mom and dad, not only for the financial and emotional support during the wedding planning but for everything you have done for me over the last 31 years.  As most of you know I made a big decision three years ago to return to university and follow my dream of becoming a nurse.  I was incredibly unhappy in my job at the time but my mom and dad pushed me into going back to university to retrain when I thought it would be impossible.  It’s been a long three years but they have been there guiding through the good and the bad times and I wouldn’t be on the cusp of graduating now I it wasn’t for them.  I love you both very much and if me and Gavin are lucky enough to have children of our own if we are half the parents you have been they will be very lucky children indeed.  You give without wanting anything in return, you love unconditionally and I could never have wished for better parents.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Thank you to our bridesmaids, Naomi, Lucy and Lyndsey, you look absolutely beautiful and have done Gavin and me proud today.  Also thank you Lynz for inadvertently including my nephew Jack to the wedding, we can’t wait to meet the little man in September, this has nothing to do with the fact that I’m fed up of your moaning at all.

Thank you Ethan for being the most adorable little page boy, I can’t wait till you’re a little bit older so I can tell you some stories about your mother..

Gavin and I are both blessed with such amazing friends that we simply couldn’t pick just one best man so we went for three.  Tim, you have been a constant support for me the last seven years, you’ve heard me cry, laugh and moan a lot and you have never once complained, Darren I knew we would be great friends when you turned up on my door step some ten years ago with a bottle of Lambrini in your hands and Carl your not just a friend anymore but you are also my family… I’m not entirely sure who I feel sorrier for.  Thank you all three for the stag weekend, what happened will never be spoken about again but it makes the Hangover look like The Sound of Music.

Thank you to the ushers, Robbie and Adam for helping everything run smoothly, but your not off duty yet, I have lists for you both.

Thank you to Margy and Andrea for being our witnesses.  I just want to say a massive thank you to Andrea for being the most loyal of friends over the last ten years, you have helped me through so much and always been there whether it’s been to wax my back or to offer advice, I love you very much.

Lastly thank you to my husband Gavin.  Thank you for organising this amazing day.  When we said we had six weeks to plan a wedding I thought it would never happen and if it wasn’t for your attention to detail, your calm nature and ability to get on with things even in the face of adversity and with me having an emotional breakdown in the corner it probably wouldn’t. 

When we first got together no one thought it would last, and it very nearly didn’t.  When I met Gavin I was in a very dark place and a less patient person would not have put up with me.  I thank whatever’s up there every single day that you did. 

I never imagined getting married, I never particularly wanted to but that was because I hadn’t met the right person until now.  I can’t imagine being here today with anyone else, you are the calm to my storm, you are my lover and you are my best friend and I am so lucky and honoured to be able to call you my husband.  You make me complete and I love you with all my heart, until it beats no more!

That’s it from me, again thank you all for coming and thank you for all cards and gifts we are truly very grateful.  Please enjoy the rest of the day and as you should know by now, we want to see you all on the dance floor later on.'

Albums Of The Year

Well it's that time of the year again, my top 20 albums of this year!

It's been a great 12 months in the music world. We have seen some fantastic new artists, namely Ellie Goulding, Lissie, Hurts and Delphic who have released some amazing albums.

I do at times become disillusioned with the music scene, maybe I'm getting old or maybe theres just a lot of shit out there, whatever the case the following reaffirm my faith in everything lyrical.

So looking forward I'm excited about new albums from Darren Hayes, Leona Lewis and Ellie Goulding plus, hopefully, some new and exciting talent just bursting to get out...

1. Ellie Goulding Lights

Originally released in February 2010 this album has been on rotation ever since, never leaving my car stereo. The sheer scope and brilliance of this album still astounds me now. It has songs to sing to, songs to dance to and songs to cry to. The lyrics make you think, her voice is mesmerising and the production almost flawless. Then it got a rerelease as ‘Bright Light’ earlier this month with the addition of seven new songs including the beautiful ‘You Song’ and a reworked version of ‘Lights’. I’m not one for the rerelease cash in but this is a masterpiece that is made better by the new songs. They don’t dilute its brilliance but make it possibly one of the best albums I have ever brought. It’s defiantly, in my humble opinion, the greatest and most accomplished debut album since Jagged Little Pill.

2. Kylie Aphrodite

Given the fact that I am a huge Kylie fan most would expect this to be number one, I’m not going to make it number one just because it’s Kylie though. This is possibly Kylie’s best all round album and contains brilliant classic pop songs that will stand the test of time, much like she has herself. This is more the comeback album that X should have been. Although X was experimental it flitted between genres that confused the listener and made for an album that you spent more time skipping through than you did listening to. Aphrodite is Kylie at her camp best, keeping to one style of music that resonates with her fans old and new, all out dance floor disco pop!

3. Hurts Happiness

For me, the most anticipated album EVER. I have been a Hurts fan for well over 12 months and after the release of Better Than Love at the beginning of the year I had to wait another 6 months for this to finally be released. It didn’t disappoint. Considered by themselves as ‘dance music for depression’ this couldn’t be closer to the mark. Many may think that the songs production and vocal style is depressed but once you strip away the angst you are left with a collection of beautiful songs that speak from the heart. Borrowing heavily from 80’s synth pop Hurts manage to produce an album that is musically wonderful with lyrics that truly mean something. It’s certainly not perfect but it’s a bloody good start!

4. Delphic Acolyte

This came out in January and I played it to death on it’s release and I still love it now. Again borrowing heavily from the 80’s this is a group that, if New Order made love to Depeche Mode Delphic would be their bastard love child! Storming dance infused rock is mixed with beautiful and inspired instrumentals that makes this one of the most exciting albums I have ever listened to.

5. Diana Vickers Songs From The Tainted Cherry Tree

I haven’t been a huge X Factor ambassador for a few years now but every now and again they find some good talent. When she was on the show I hated her and her performances, her voice grated and I wanted to switch it off. When she was booted off Simon wanted he on his label but she refused and went away, signed with the label she chose, wrote some song s and did it all her way. The result is an album with such depth and beauty that if this is her at 19 we are in for a treat as she matures as a person and an artist.

6. Sarah Mclachlan Illusions Of Bliss

One of my favourite artists made a return to form this year with this little gem of an album. Not a commercial success in this country but a triumph in production non the less. Beautiful written and sung as usal, music for the heart and the head!

7. Lissie Catching A Tiger

Another new female artist to emerge this year, Lissie’s effortless vocal and heartfelt lyrics make this an album of the year. Perfect summery American soft rock, ideal driving music.

8. Amy Macdonald A Curious Thing

Understated, under rated! This Scotish singer went all out on this album. Great lyrically and musically, a must for any lover of modern music.

9. Cee Lo Green The Lady Killer

Every one has heard, and no doubt loves, Forget You and this album delivers a huge slice of sixties tinged rhythm and blues. Not normally my cup of tea but absolutely one of the feel good albums of the year.

10. Plan B The Defamation Of Strickland Banks

Again I wouldn’t normally buy this kind of album but he has managed to produce an album that is gritty, raw and beautiful all at the same time. A triumph in every sense of the word.

11. Take That Progress
12. Joshua Radin Simple Times
13. James Blunt Some Kind of Trouble
14. Alesha Dixon The Entertainer
15. The Script Science and Faith
16. Duffy Endlessly
17. Natasha Bedingfield Strip Me
18. Eminem Recovery
19. Lene Marlin Twist the Truth
20. Goldfrapp Head First

This years epic fail award must go, again, to Chery Cole with Messy Little Raindrops. Boring, dull and pointless. Smelt like a rush job from 20 miles away. A piss poor X Factor cash in!

Other mentions here must be;

Robyn and Body Talk (1,2 and 3) Not a bad piece of work but the concept was always stupid and the execution was even worse. A rip off of epic proportions!

If any of this has inspired you to buy any of these albums then my work here is done!

Happy New Year all!

The Second Great Depression

I've not been in a great place lately. I'm constantly fed up and have no interest in anything. I'm not sleeping at night yet falling asleep in the day and I don't see the point in getting up in the morning most days. I have had low moments in the past but they only tended to last a few days, everyone has days like this and we deal with it and move on. It passes.

I've been feeling low for a few weeks now and I don't really know why. Usually if something stressful is happening I can take it to one side, deal with it and get on with things, it's the way I have always dealt with things. When it all comes at once it takes a little longer.

I think I may be a little depressed. Maybe that sounds dramatic and perhaps it is, I have seen people depressed but then it all has to start somewhere.

I feel like I have no purpose at the minute. Uni is getting me down as I just want to be qualified now and get working at what I WANT to be doing in life. Working in the pub gets me down. Yes I love the people we have in and the team are great but I don't want to be working all the hours god sends just to make ends meet just to be spoken to like I'm thick by some narrow minded customer. I'm tired of being taught in a classroom, I want to be back on placement making a difference and helping people, learning it on the front line. It's all well and good being told what the text books say but it's hardly real life.

I'm hoping that going on placement in November re motivates me because I need this year to go quickly.

I'm also scared in case I don't get a job at the end of all this. Three years I will have studied and I have worked hard. I have sacrificed a great deal, given up time and money to re train and if I can't get a job doing this then I will be heartbroken.

It sounds silly to say I feel lonely, I have loads of people around me all the time but I don't feel that I can be honest and open with them. People think I'm being a recluse, keeping a distance. I am, I know I am and it's because I don't want people to see me like this. People see me as strong emotionally, the person who has had heartbreak and come through it fighting. I don't want them to see me weak and in the mess I'm in so it's easier just to stay away.

I'm not after sympathy and I'm not looking for attention, just for someone to ask me how I am once in a while and really mean it rather than it forming part of a well rehearsed and over used greeting.

I read something the other day;

'depression is not a sign of weakness,

just that you have been strong for too long'

Maybe thats true. We can all only carry our burdens for so long before something has to give.

Not Giving Up On Love

I know you're feeling restless Like life's not on your side

It's weighing heavy on your mind But when we stand united

Our hearts, they beat in time And I know we'll make it all alright

Let's bring it back to you and me There's no one else around

Now don't get lost in gravity 'Cause I want you to

Hold me now Nothing else matters

It's just the two of us And if it all falls down

Nothing else mattersI know we're strong enough

I'm not giving up I'm not giving up on us

I said I'm not giving up I'm not giving up on love

We're of the same existence No lock without a key

We can't deny it's meant to be 'Cause I feel it inside

Take me over tonight I'll be there when the storm is breaking

In this moment I'm yours And you can always be sure

That together we're gonna make it

So baby, won't you Hold me now Nothing else matters

It's just the two of us And if it all falls down

Nothing else matters

I know we're strong enough I'm not giving up

I'm not giving up on us I said I'm not giving up

I'm not giving up on love

Fight For This Love

Someone asked me yesterday if me and Gavin ever argue. The answer is no, we don't... not anymore anyway. We used to argue like cat and dog when we were first together. Most of the arguments were down to me. Not so much that I had done anything wrong but I used to pick fights for no other reason than to get a reaction.

I met Gavin very quickly following the breakdown of my previous, well documented relationship. To a lot of people it may have been rebound (six years later I could argue it wasn't) but when we met something connected, we have such a similar outlook on life and want the same things from it. He is the calm to my storm, by better half and my best friend. But in the beginning it seemed as if I was intent on ruining anything we had and I pushed him and pushed him to the point where someone less tolerant would have left me long ago.

I was still hurt and bruised from my previous relationships. Both had cheated on me. Both had left me feeling that I couldn't trust anyone or anything and that no one could ever love me. I felt ugly and fat and unattractive and to be honest I was all but destroyed. I had absolutely no confidence and I truly felt I was worthless.

I think deep down I was petrified that Gavin would also leave me or cheat on me to the point where I needed to know where he was all the time, what he was doing, who he was with. If he was ten minutes late in from work I'd make myself sick with worry then when he did get in, after a long a stressful day I would scream and berate him to the point where he wouldn't want to talk to me, and looking back I don't blame him.

Psychologically I was pushing him away, looking for arguments and in some cases making them up so that if he left me I'd have a reason as to why, so I could blame it on something, when Mike dumped me I never saw it coming and there was never any real reason. If I made Gavin leave me I'd have control over it and know the fundamental reason why it had happened.

I was such a hate filled and angry person everything made me upset and I was so volatile I could go off like a bottle of pop! Some may say I haven't changed, I think I have, I still have issues, no one is perfect and I'm really not but I am calmer.

It took me years to fully trust Gavin and the realisation finally came when I really thought he was gonna leave me and I knew it's not what I wanted. It took a lot of hard work to get to where I am but I did it, I fought my demons and got to where we are now.

I don't pick fights with Gavin anymore and I thank whatever is out there everyday that he didn't give up on me and has put up with me, warts and all, for nearly seven years. He's a true saint.

In A Lonely Place

When I decided to go back to university I knew a lot would change, I knew I would have to give things up and I knew I'd lose things along the way. I never expected one of those things to be my social network.

Before I went back into education I was out with friends most weekends and we would often do things together in the week. I had money then and I could afford to spend a little and have a good time. Over the last two years I have been short on money and short on time and slowly but surely I have become a recluse. OK that maybe a little dramatic but back at the start of my course friends would ask me if I wanted to do something, 9 times out of 10 I had to say no, either because I was broke or because I was too tired.

As well as Uni I now work 32 hours a week including Friday night, all day Saturday and Sunday and Monday night with another night shift mid week. Doing these hours has allowed me a little more money to myself but I don't go anywhere to spend it. My friends have moved on, they have found another group that want to go out every weekend, that are still fun and up for a laugh to the point now where I seldom get asked out anywhere. I can't say I blame them, people can only hear no so often and it's only natural that they will stop asking and be bored of hearing the same tired excuses. But even though I can't go out on a particular occasion it's still nice to be asked, to feel part of the group again.

This week it's one of my best mates 30th's, he has gone out with a big group tonight. I can't lie and pretend it doesn't hurt that I can't be there because it does but I know it's my fault.

The fact is I'm at work at ten in the morning and I'm really tired. He is going out for a meal on Wednesday as thats his actual birthday, I can't go as I'm working and cannot have ANOTHER night off. This makes me feel like crap because I wanna be there for him as he was for mine!

At the end of this three years having worked really hard I will have given up weekends away, holidays, nights out, laughs with best friends and I know it will have been worth it, I will be a fully qualified nurse.

But at what cost?

The Music's No Good Without You (Part Two)

My second favorite album of all time is the second album from Scottish/American group Garbage.

Garbage formed in Madison, Wisconsin, in 1994. The band consists of Scottish vocalist Shirley Manson and American musicians Duke Erikson, Steve Marker and Butch Vig, and has counted worldwide album sales of over 14 million units. Their debut album, Garbage, was an unexpected smash, selling over 4 million copies and certified double platinum in the UK.

Garbage - Version 2.0, 1995

Another long player that changed my musical tastes completely was Garbage's self titled debut album which was released in 1995. It was a bit of a post Christmas impulse purchase and on it's first listen I hated it, but over time it really grew on me.

Version 2.0, the bands second album, was released in 1998 and I was eager and excited to get my hands on it. It didn't disappoint. It seemed to fuse together grunge rock and dance and was, at the time, ground breaking in it's production.

In May 1998, Version 2.0 debuted at #1 in the UK and at #13 in the Billboard 200. Garbage began touring Version 2.0 on May 15, a tour which lasted until the end of 1999 and one that I was able to go and see, one of my first concerts and I loved it. "I Think I'm Paranoid" was released worldwide in July, while the music video for "Push It" received eight nominations at the 1998 MTV Video Music Awards. By October 12, "Special" was released and Garbage was nominated for three MTV Europe Music Awards: "Best Group," "Best Rock Act" and "Best Video" for "Push It". In early 1999, Version 2.0 received two Grammy Award nominations for Album of the Year and Best Rock Album. Version 2.0 was awarded the European Platinum Award by the International Federation of the Phonographic Industry for 1 million sales across Europe and U.S.

To this day this is an album that I can listen to from beginning to end and it's managed to stand the test of time as a brilliant album.

Special, When I Grow Up and the haunting You Look So Fine are all album highlights and as a group they are sadly missed. Manson's angry but beautiful voice and Butch's modern production made these a true and brilliant group.

Track Listing;

1. "Temptation Waits" – 4:36
2. "I Think I'm Paranoid" – 3:38
3. "When I Grow Up" – 3:23
4. "Medication" – 4:06
5. "Special" – 3:43
6. "Hammering in My Head" – 4:52
7. "Push It" – 4:02
8. "The Trick Is to Keep Breathing" – 4:11
9. "Dumb" – 3:50
10. "Sleep Together" – 4:03
11. "Wicked Ways" – 3:43
12. "You Look So Fine" – 5:23

The Music's No Good Without You (Part One)

As I've stated in previous blogs, music is my life. I listen to it all day everyday and to me there is still no greater feeling then going into HMV, buying a new album and falling in love with it.

There are a few albums, out of my thousands that stand out and would be in my 'Desert Island Discs' and heres the first.

Alanis Morissette, Jagged Little Pill, 1995

This album changed my life. Dramatic? Maybe. The truth, defiantly. Before JLP my music taste was confined to euro dance music such as 2 Unlimited, Whigfield and Corona. I had heard Hand In My Pocket and thought it was OK but then Ironic and Head Over Feet were released and I loved them. I remember vividly going into Virgin Megastore in Walsall, the album was number one, there was a massive buzz about it. I had some wages from my paper round, I think possibly just enough. If I brought this album I’d be skint for a week but I brought it anyway. I couldn’t wait to get it home so I could play it. The art work captivated me as did the liner notes and song lyrics as I read them on the bus.

After the first listen I didn’t think much of it but by the third listen I was hooked. Never before had song lyrics affected me and sung to me in that way and never before had I purchased an album that I didn’t need to skip.

From the opening chords of All I Really Want to the final whisper of hidden track ‘Your House, you are transcended into her world and allowed to learn some of her darkest secrets. You Oughta Know is THE breakup song and I have always felt sorry for the person that was written about, You Learn is pure pop brilliance and the theme tune to everyone’s life, Perfect and Forgiven are deeply personal, Ironic is, for all its bashing at the time, a great radio pop tune and Wake Up is a pure sing along classic and the perfect way to end (almost) the album.

Maverick Records released Jagged Little Pill in June 1995. Because expectations for the album were low, Scott Welsh (Morissette's manager and long-time friend) and executives at Maverick did not expect the album to sell more than 250,000 copies.

It debuted at number 117 on the U.S. Billboard 200 albums chart.

Things quickly changed when a Los Angeles DJ from the influential radio station KROQ began playing "You Oughta Know", the album's first single.

The song instantly garnered attention, and a subsequent music video went into heavy rotation on MTV. The subject of the song (long suspected to be ex-boyfriend Dave Coulier of television's Full House, whose relationship with Morissette had soured shortly before the song was recorded, became the most guessed-about antagonist since that of Carly Simon's "You're So Vain". However, it was the hit singles that followed that sent Jagged Little Pill to the top. "Hand in My Pocket" was released as the second single, and then "Ironic", which became Morissette's biggest hit. "You Learn" and "Head over Feet", the next two singles, kept Jagged Little Pill in the top twenty on the Billboard 200 for over a year. Outside the U.S., "All I Really Want" was released in 1997 as the album's last single, and in Europe "You Learn" was released before "Ironic".

As of 2009, it has sold thirty-three million copies worldwide and in the UK it is ranked as the 12^th bestselling album of all time. In Ireland, when Morissette's sixth album Under Rug Swept was released in 2002, Jagged Little Pill re-entered the album chart on February 21 at number seventy-two and reached nineteen on March 7. It took nine weeks for it to depart the chart again, on May 2.

In 1998, Q magazine readers voted Jagged Little Pill the nineteenth greatest album of all time. In 2003, the album was ranked number 327 on Rolling Stone magazine's list of the 500 greatest albums of all time.

Track Listing;

"All I Really Want" – 4:44

"You Oughta Know" – 4:09

"Perfect" – 3:07

"Hand in My Pocket" – 3:41

"Right Through You" - 2:55

"Forgiven" – 5:00

"You Learn" – 3:59

"Head over Feet" – 4:27

"Mary Jane" – 4:40

"Ironic" – 3:49

"Not the Doctor" – 3:47

"Wake Up" – 4:53

Through all its commercial success none of her later albums have matched the sales of JLP. What it did do was allow her a devote worldwide following that has enabled her to continue writing and recording for over a decade.

To me this is my favourite album of all time simply because to this day, fifteen years after its initial release, I can still sit and listen to it all the way through without skipping a single track and there aren’t many albums I can say that about.

So whether it sold 33 million copies or 3 I don’t care to me it will remain a modern rock masterpiece, my favourite album and possibly the greatest debut in music history.